you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
