Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
