I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
