The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
