I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
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