"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Randomize
