vagina is talking i cant
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
