is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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