I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
