wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
