We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
