bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Randomize
