it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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