NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
