so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
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