My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
