His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
