I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
