just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
