why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
