Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
