brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
