I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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