I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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