The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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