dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I need a burrito and a hug.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
