I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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