he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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