"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
