woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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