I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
