If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize