Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
