Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
