I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
