I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
