I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
