And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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