i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
