theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
