I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
