I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize