Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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