Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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