Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I have aggressive nipples.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
