And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
nutella sex= disaster
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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