I can text with my tongue
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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