I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
