I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I looked at my own cervix.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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