i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize