literally had 100 drinks last night.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
