I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
