Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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