doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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