We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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